The Friends Who Disappoint
I sat opposite her on the couch, sipping a cup of coffee as tears streamed down her face. I had driven five hours through the night to be with her, and I couldn’t believe we were still talking about the same thing after all these years. She was afraid of how he was acting toward her, and I held back from telling her what I really thought. “I’m so sorry, that’s awful; it must be so hard.” I listened and nodded while my mind held a different conversation: “Why can’t she see he’s not going to change?” On and on, the pouring and withholding continued, deep into the night.
Sometimes just being with friends who are hurting is hard. You want to stay with them and comfort them, but the pain has a way of seeping quietly between people. For a woman who’s used to taking the lead, it can be challenging to be physically present with friends without giving advice. It’s hard when a fixer can’t fix it. We would rather lean into a solution because then we can call it a neat and tidy success. I wonder if Job’s three friends, Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar, felt this same unease when they traveled to see Job.
Job 1:1 (ESV) tells us, “There was a man in the land of Uz whose name was Job, and that man was blameless and upright, and one who feared God and turned away from evil.” He had ten children and tons of possessions “so that this man was the greatest of all the people of the east.” Job 1:3. On one agonizing day, Job lost everything he owned, and all ten of his children were killed. To follow that up, Job was struck with painful sores from his feet to his head. Hearing of Job’s unbearable suffering, his three friends “made an appointment together to come to show him sympathy and comfort him.” Job 2:11. Seeing Job, they cried, tore their clothes, sprinkled dust on their heads, and “sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great.” Job 2:13. Their initial quiet presence confirmed Job’s grief, that it was valid, and that they saw and knew.
After seven days of silence, Job put words to his sorrow–lamenting the day he was ever born–because he simply wanted his suffering to end. Job longed for friends who would stay beside him while he struggled with God. But instead of offering comfort, empathy, kindness, love, sympathy, compassion, and presence without advice, Job’s friends started asking him questions to figure out what Job ‘must have done wrong’ to land him here. And instead of Job finding rest in the midst of his friends' presence, he was forced to defend himself.
During the most fragile moment of Job’s life, his friends delivered judgment, presumption, arrogance, cruelty, and discouragement. All in the name of ‘directing their friend back on the right path.’ At some point, we’ll likely find ourselves plopped down in the dirt with our friends, covered in sorrow. Pain can feel a little contagious, so sometimes it’s easier to believe that someone went off track rather than accept that hard things just happen. Life rarely allows a neat and tidy process, no matter how much we want to be on the other side of pain.
I had been in the dirt with my friend countless times before, so the next morning, feeling worn out, I told her what I thought she should do. The disappointed look in her eyes told me this was not what she was expecting. She needed me just to let her rest in her own experience, not solve or fix anything. That was one of the last times I spoke to her. I’d like to say we’ve reconciled, but despite many efforts, we haven’t. Do I wish I had just sat quietly with her instead? Absolutely.
I wonder if Job’s three friends wished they had been quiet, as well. Just like me, Job’s friends still had much to learn about what it takes to be a good friend. If this reminds you of times you’ve disappointed friends, offered judgment or solutions when presence was all that was needed, and you wish you could have a do-over, start by just sitting with the LORD. He is full of grace and mercy for all of us.
Reflection Questions:
In what ways have you disappointed friends or been disappointed by friends in a time of need?
Which behavior(s) is God nudging you to change to improve your own friendships? How can you be purposeful in nurturing friendships?
For further study, see how Job’s friendship expectations align with God’s word: 1 Peter 3:8; Colossians 3:12-14; Romans 12:15; Galatians 5:2; Proverbs 25:20; Ephesians 4:29; and Proverbs 10:19.
Lord, please reveal any ways that we block your love from flowing through our lives to other people, especially when we’re trying to ‘help’ them through a trial. We want to bring your comfort, love, empathy, and compassion to people who are hurting. Remind us not to walk ahead of you but instead rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep. (Romans 12:15). In Jesus’ gentle name, Amen.
This was originally published in BETTER TOGETHER: A 16-day Devotional to Build Biblical Friendship as a collaboration with 15 other writers. If you want a free copy of the entire devotional, click here: https://rachaelkadams.com/free.
